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For Spouses & Significant Others

We realize and acknowledge the difficulties in coping with the issues of a Transgendered loved one.  We hope to not only help you understand your partner better, but also just as important, to help them to understand and respect your concerns and feelings.

We understand how overwhelming this can be and how alone you may feel especially if you recently found out about your spouse's Transgenderism.  You may be fearful of sharing how your feel with your friends & family because what they might think.  You maybe questioning and doubting not only your spouse, but also yourself.  This is normal and you have a right to feel this way.

We have several spouses within our group who have gone through the trials and tribulations of having a Transgender spouse and are here to listen, offer advice and be there for you.  We want to provide you an opportunity to share your feelings, ask those tough questions and discover that you are not alone.

Please email us at SO@TransCentralPA.org to connect with other spouses and partners.

There is no doubt you will see and hear stories of wrecked lives and relationships, but there are positive stories, too.   And our goal is to learn and relay those positive stories in hopes of building a better relationship for you.  Below are some answers to commonly asked questions of spouses as well as some additional links to helpful websites and spousal support groups.

Does this mean my husband is gay?
No.  A significant majority (over 90%) of Transgender people identify as and are heterosexual.  Although this is a valid concern and probably one of the more common questions that spouses have, your spouse's sexual identity should not be automatically inferred.  It is also common for Transgendered people to question their own sexual identity as well because society's traditional definition of gender as either male or female.  Gender and sexuality are often confused, but it is extremely important to understand that gender and sexuality are separate and one does not dictate the other.  Being Transgendered simply means that you do not conveniently fit in society's traditional definition gender, but rather, identify and possess qualities of both genders.

Does it mean that I am a Lesbian if I stay in this relationship?
No.  Because society typically defines gender as either male or female, they tend to define sexuality within the same rigid constraints.  Let's face it, our relationships are larger, far more meaningful and complex than a simple definition of either/or.  Although there are people in the world who may question your reason to stay dedicated in your relationship, do not let them define your relationship.

Is this a phase?
Most likely not.  Transgendered individuals will often go through several 'Binge & Purge' phases as they cope with the shame and guilt they feel as a result of being different inside.  Mounting evidence through scientific research indicates that this is a phenomena we are born with--no one asks to be Transgendered.  Transgendered people will often 'Purge' hoping that they no longer need to express their other gender, but after a period of time, will almost certainly return to it.  Denying what they are testifies to the guilt and shame that they feel.  Only after they embrace this part of them self can they find the inner peace we all need to live healthy, balanced lives. 

Am I expected to just accept this?
No.  Whether your accept this part of him or not is your choice.  Some wives do not; some wives tolerate it, but have no desire to actively participate; and some wives fully embrace it and play an integral part in their Transgendered spouse's growth and acceptance.  It is not an easy journey and only after a period of honesty and significant growth in your relationship will the two of you be able to talk about it.  Our hopes are to help facilitate open communication, based upon truths, so that you and your spouse can understand each other better and decide how to proceed in your relationship.

How is attending a meeting or activity going to help him (let alone, help us)?
Most Transgender individuals feel conflicted internally and often that internal conflict creates barriers in a relationship.  By providing an opportunity to meet and interact with others like himself, it helps to alleviate the internal conflict, the shame and guilt that is often associated with being Transgendered.  By reducing the internal conflict, it will open him up more, likely reduce external conflicts, provide an opportunity to talk more openly and directly.  Communication is the key in any relationship and you will need honest communication to get through this.

Am I invited to attend a meeting or activity?
Absolutely.  We have several spouses who join us on a regular basis for our dinners, meetings and activities.  If you do not feel comfortable being seen out in public, our meetings are held at a church in a secluded area of the city and provide an opportunity to visit without being visible.  Some wives elect to wear wigs themselves to provide additional anonymity as well.  Also, TransCentralPA hosts the Keystone Conference each year where we host several workshops on relationship as well as spouse-only seminars.

I feel afraid and alone, is there anyone I can talk to?
Yes!  We have other spouses and significant others (a more generic term to include girlfriends, partners, etc.) who completely understand what you are going through and who very much want to help.  Please email them at SO@TransCentralPA.org.  And don't think they are necessary 100% pro-Transgender either!  Each of them have had to take this difficult journey with their spouse, but have found ways to grow in their relationships while giving their spouse the opportunity to express themselves.  If you feel more comfortable talking with a licensed professional, we have identified several local counselors with extensive experience dealing with Transgenderism and relationships.  Whatever you do, please do not bottle this up inside.  Your feelings and thoughts are just as important as his and you deserve the opportunity to express them and be heard.  It is not fair to you if your Transgender spouse is not allowing you the opportunity to seek the help and support you need. 

All the documents and information accessible from the links above are in the public domain and a matter of public record. Though we considered these resources to be helpful to the transgendered community when we posted the links, neither TransCentralPA nor its officers or members warrants or assumes any legal liability or responsibility for the accuracy, completeness, or usefulness of any information, apparatus, product, or processes disclosed or provided on these sites, or for updated information or changes made to these sites. Various content on these sites may also be subject to copyright by authors, journals and publishers. Use of the copyrighted material is subject to the terms and conditions of use established by that author, journal or publisher.